Post by RedsandRoyals on Apr 1, 2011 19:05:00 GMT -5
Like some of you, I'm currently hunting for a job. Tonight, I had the idea of working for GW in a capacity they need. Here's my official letter of application for the position.
Dear Sir or Madam,
My name is **** *******, and for nearly three years, I have been an avid player of Warhammer 40,000. In that time, your products have provided me with hours and enjoyment while simultaneously ensuring that I am never overburdened with money, a problem that I was consistently plagued with before I began to partake in this hobby. However, dear sir or madam, I am not writing you this letter to tell you what Games Workshop has done for me. I am, in fact, writing this to tell you what I can do for Games Workshop.
It has come to my attention that, since 5th Edition was released, there have been several examples of poor judgment on the behalf of several key GW employees. It started, dear sir or madam, with nipples. Some poor soul on the design team, no doubt in a misguided attempt to uphold the Blood Angels’ reputation as magnificent craftsmen, decided to introduce a strong Roman flavor to the armour of the Sanguinary Guard models. This decision made, the designer sculpted excellent, if suspiciously "fabulous" looking models, and then, holding true to the Roman form, carefully, one might even say lovingly, added nipples on to the armour. While this was no doubt done with good intentions, it gave the deeply unfortunate portrayal that the Sanguinary Guard were either fighting somewhere very cold, or are exceptionally excited at the prospect of combat.
Now, dear sir or madam, you are no doubt supposing this was simply an exception, an unfortunate oversight in a line of otherwise excellent new models. Indeed, this is what I too supposed, until my blissful ignorance was shattered by the visage of the Storm Raven model. Some designer (possibly the same one who was responsible for the nipples), took the sleek, smooth lines of a goldfish cracker and melded them with the aerodynamic properties of the common household toaster. He then took this freakish lovechild of snack crackers and a kitchen appliance, and then, I can only assume, flogged it rather severely with an Ugly Stick. The final design, rendered in plastic, won few fans among those of us gifted with the sense of sight. It was at this point that I began to suspect something was deeply wrong at Games Workshop headquarters, but the worst was yet to come.
This madness, dear sir or madam, has apparently gripped the entire Games Workshop headquarters. How else, pray, could one explain the Grey Knights codex that was just released? Creative control over its development was apparently handed over to Matthew Ward, and, equipped with only a pen, a complete lack of common sense, and facial hair normally only worn by pedophiles, he proceeded to sodomize the very essence of the army’s idea. While I commend the thoroughness and determination he exhibited in his mad quest to utterly destroy the established background of this once proud faction, I cannot help, dear sir or madam, but lament the loss of such of such unique character in the Warhammer 40,000 universe.
Now, I understand that there must be sacrifices if Games Workshop is to purge every unique characteristic of Space Marines save for the color of their armour, but I cannot excuse the abomination that is the Nemesis Dread Knight. This hideous contraption looks like it some hell spawned mechanical contraption designed to carry babies to and from their day care, and woe betide any who stand in the way of this mission. Now, dear sir or madam, please understand that I am all in favor of any device that leaves a wake carnage and destruction where ever it treads, but I feel the design is not suitable for the Imperium’s finest. No, such a destructive and lethal device should be placed safely in the control of infants, as was clearly intended by the original designer.
At this point, dear sir or madam, you may be wondering if I have written this letter simply to complain, and the answer to that is no. Far too many people these days do nothing but complain. I, dear sir or madam, intend to help you, and all of Games Workshop. I would like to formally present myself for consideration as GW’s official “Sayer of No”, a position clearly vacant at Games Workshop Headquarters. I shall selflessly say “No” to any and all stupid ideas, silly models, and poorly thought out concepts. Indeed, I shall be a bulwark of necessary negativity, firmly and fearlessly disapproving of any misguided efforts of those around me! No matter how the design team screams, howls, and tears out their hair, no matter how long Matt Ward threatens to hold his breath for, no matter how much profit GW stands to flush away with such terrible ideas, I assure you, dear sir or madam, that I will not so much as blink in my firm, but kind response of “No”.
Now, dear sir or madam, you are probably wondering what my credentials are, but fear not, for they are impressive indeed! I have said no many times in my life, often repeating myself as the situation warranted. I have said no to men, women, children, animals, and even several inanimate objects. Perhaps you are worried, dear sir or madam, that my resolve may waver in the face of your design team, or the insidious Ward. This is not the case! I have said no to puppies, kittens, and attractive women. I have even, in my capacity as “Master of the Game”, said no to Roleplaying Gamers, famous throughout the world for their incessant, wretched please for more equipment and experience points. Should the word “No” not suffice, I am prepared to use strong tones of disapproval, disappointed looks, and, in the most drastic of circumstances, perhaps even a shake of the head. In order to prevent Matthew Ward from writing anything else, I will valiantly spray him in the face with a squirt bottle full of water, swat him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, and say “No, bad!” I am even prepared to supply my own newspaper and squirt bottle.
At this juncture, dear sir or madam, you are no doubt thinking this is too good to be true, and are wondering what you must do to procure my services. I am pleased to inform you this is a service I am willing to provide for free, with only one condition. I require a fancy hat with my official title embossed on the front. Provide me with this, and I will gladly place my impressive and professional No saying abilities at your service. I await your response with great anticipation, and look forward to saying “No” to you in the future.
Glory to the God Emperor of Mankind, and may terrible death come swiftly to His enemies,
**** *******
Dear Sir or Madam,
My name is **** *******, and for nearly three years, I have been an avid player of Warhammer 40,000. In that time, your products have provided me with hours and enjoyment while simultaneously ensuring that I am never overburdened with money, a problem that I was consistently plagued with before I began to partake in this hobby. However, dear sir or madam, I am not writing you this letter to tell you what Games Workshop has done for me. I am, in fact, writing this to tell you what I can do for Games Workshop.
It has come to my attention that, since 5th Edition was released, there have been several examples of poor judgment on the behalf of several key GW employees. It started, dear sir or madam, with nipples. Some poor soul on the design team, no doubt in a misguided attempt to uphold the Blood Angels’ reputation as magnificent craftsmen, decided to introduce a strong Roman flavor to the armour of the Sanguinary Guard models. This decision made, the designer sculpted excellent, if suspiciously "fabulous" looking models, and then, holding true to the Roman form, carefully, one might even say lovingly, added nipples on to the armour. While this was no doubt done with good intentions, it gave the deeply unfortunate portrayal that the Sanguinary Guard were either fighting somewhere very cold, or are exceptionally excited at the prospect of combat.
Now, dear sir or madam, you are no doubt supposing this was simply an exception, an unfortunate oversight in a line of otherwise excellent new models. Indeed, this is what I too supposed, until my blissful ignorance was shattered by the visage of the Storm Raven model. Some designer (possibly the same one who was responsible for the nipples), took the sleek, smooth lines of a goldfish cracker and melded them with the aerodynamic properties of the common household toaster. He then took this freakish lovechild of snack crackers and a kitchen appliance, and then, I can only assume, flogged it rather severely with an Ugly Stick. The final design, rendered in plastic, won few fans among those of us gifted with the sense of sight. It was at this point that I began to suspect something was deeply wrong at Games Workshop headquarters, but the worst was yet to come.
This madness, dear sir or madam, has apparently gripped the entire Games Workshop headquarters. How else, pray, could one explain the Grey Knights codex that was just released? Creative control over its development was apparently handed over to Matthew Ward, and, equipped with only a pen, a complete lack of common sense, and facial hair normally only worn by pedophiles, he proceeded to sodomize the very essence of the army’s idea. While I commend the thoroughness and determination he exhibited in his mad quest to utterly destroy the established background of this once proud faction, I cannot help, dear sir or madam, but lament the loss of such of such unique character in the Warhammer 40,000 universe.
Now, I understand that there must be sacrifices if Games Workshop is to purge every unique characteristic of Space Marines save for the color of their armour, but I cannot excuse the abomination that is the Nemesis Dread Knight. This hideous contraption looks like it some hell spawned mechanical contraption designed to carry babies to and from their day care, and woe betide any who stand in the way of this mission. Now, dear sir or madam, please understand that I am all in favor of any device that leaves a wake carnage and destruction where ever it treads, but I feel the design is not suitable for the Imperium’s finest. No, such a destructive and lethal device should be placed safely in the control of infants, as was clearly intended by the original designer.
At this point, dear sir or madam, you may be wondering if I have written this letter simply to complain, and the answer to that is no. Far too many people these days do nothing but complain. I, dear sir or madam, intend to help you, and all of Games Workshop. I would like to formally present myself for consideration as GW’s official “Sayer of No”, a position clearly vacant at Games Workshop Headquarters. I shall selflessly say “No” to any and all stupid ideas, silly models, and poorly thought out concepts. Indeed, I shall be a bulwark of necessary negativity, firmly and fearlessly disapproving of any misguided efforts of those around me! No matter how the design team screams, howls, and tears out their hair, no matter how long Matt Ward threatens to hold his breath for, no matter how much profit GW stands to flush away with such terrible ideas, I assure you, dear sir or madam, that I will not so much as blink in my firm, but kind response of “No”.
Now, dear sir or madam, you are probably wondering what my credentials are, but fear not, for they are impressive indeed! I have said no many times in my life, often repeating myself as the situation warranted. I have said no to men, women, children, animals, and even several inanimate objects. Perhaps you are worried, dear sir or madam, that my resolve may waver in the face of your design team, or the insidious Ward. This is not the case! I have said no to puppies, kittens, and attractive women. I have even, in my capacity as “Master of the Game”, said no to Roleplaying Gamers, famous throughout the world for their incessant, wretched please for more equipment and experience points. Should the word “No” not suffice, I am prepared to use strong tones of disapproval, disappointed looks, and, in the most drastic of circumstances, perhaps even a shake of the head. In order to prevent Matthew Ward from writing anything else, I will valiantly spray him in the face with a squirt bottle full of water, swat him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, and say “No, bad!” I am even prepared to supply my own newspaper and squirt bottle.
At this juncture, dear sir or madam, you are no doubt thinking this is too good to be true, and are wondering what you must do to procure my services. I am pleased to inform you this is a service I am willing to provide for free, with only one condition. I require a fancy hat with my official title embossed on the front. Provide me with this, and I will gladly place my impressive and professional No saying abilities at your service. I await your response with great anticipation, and look forward to saying “No” to you in the future.
Glory to the God Emperor of Mankind, and may terrible death come swiftly to His enemies,
**** *******