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Post by Cosmic on Sept 20, 2012 15:22:00 GMT -5
Well my friends, I need some virtual people to talk to.
My girlfriend has gone off to Uni, and this week is freshers week. Now, you have to understand that Helen previously has never really gone out clubbing, she's never really had the opportunity to go out to bars until the early hours of the morning with friends and just enjoy herself.
However, with freshers happening now, the past 4 nights she's been out every night and I've hardly heard from her. Has anyone else been through this?
It's just that I really want her to have fun, meet new people and finally grow up, since her parents have never really let her. But at the same time I'm feeling selfish because I'm frustrated that I haven't heard from her and it feels like I'm being forgotten a little or been pushed aside a tad. Is that wrong of me? I'm hoping that it'll calm down after this week once she's settled in, but I'm just feeling so confused. I want her to have fun but at the same time I still want attention from her, and I want to give her attention but I feel like I can't. Is this is me being a nugget or is this something others feel would happen?
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Hookah, S.C.
Colonel
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But what if I put more plasma on it?
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Post by Hookah, S.C. on Sept 20, 2012 15:26:06 GMT -5
Your girlfriend has gone to uni and you're still at home? How big is the distance.
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Post by BG. Foster on Sept 20, 2012 15:26:41 GMT -5
I had something similar happen with a girlfriend years ago when she got a job, she would go out after work and not come home till late and sometimes not at all. Best thing I can suggest is let her get it out of her system and dont come across too needy. Let her be the one to text you.
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Post by scotti88 on Sept 20, 2012 15:26:49 GMT -5
She most probly letting her hair down and getting to know people, my lass was the same last year! F....ing nightmare, especially as I was away we work!
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Post by Cosmic on Sept 20, 2012 15:29:26 GMT -5
Your girlfriend has gone to uni and you're still at home? How big is the distance. I'm south England, she's gone to Leeds. So quite a way. Foster, that makes a lot of sense, thank you. I'll give it a go  |
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Post by zeke on Sept 20, 2012 15:29:56 GMT -5
Don't worry man it's common nature to feel left out and thus worried when you dont hear from your woman. I'm a senior in college here in the states, and my girlfriend whom I've been with for a year+ is in a sorority, so she gets a bad rep to start with. She used to go out to a lot of parties (because guys in fraternities want girls, not guys) so much of the time I got left behind. And when she would get drunk she would drop of the radar, so one day I sat her down and talked about it. Your not being selfish by worrying about her. Just tell her that you would like to hear from her more often when she's out. She'll understand.
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Post by BG. Foster on Sept 20, 2012 15:31:04 GMT -5
Going to uni in Leeds and not going out for Freshers would make her an outcast. Do you plan on trips up to visit her?
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Post by Cosmic on Sept 20, 2012 15:33:46 GMT -5
Yeah I'm hopefully going up in October once she's settled down.
Thank you, Zeke.
I trust her completely and I know she would never do anything, that I'm certain. Its just all thoughts still.
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Post by BG. Foster on Sept 20, 2012 15:38:13 GMT -5
I demand a stop over in Huddersfield!
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Post by Adkenpachi on Sept 20, 2012 15:45:59 GMT -5
If she stays loyal through freshers shes yours for keeps  It doesnt last long, and its likely the people shes first met all trying to impress each other. Like greg james says, the people you spend the first month with at uni you will cross the street to avoid in a years time. People dont care who they impress the first week aslong as their not outcast, its nothin to worry about. |
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Hookah, S.C.
Colonel
Mostly Harmless
25%
But what if I put more plasma on it?
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Post by Hookah, S.C. on Sept 20, 2012 16:07:07 GMT -5
My advice is different.
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Post by emptyhat on Sept 20, 2012 17:03:52 GMT -5
Don't give her a hard time right now. I remember that there always tended to be one or two people in accommodation that didn't make an effort to get to know the rest right at the start. A lot of people take offence to that and can be bitchy about it later, even if they aren't like that it makes it harder to get to know them later. Freshers is a really good opportunity to get to know the people you live with and to meet a few other people who aren't on your course.
If she gets that sorted out she'll have more social support and less social angst later on when she's stressed.
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Post by Rook on Sept 20, 2012 19:24:29 GMT -5
I trust her completely and I know she would never do anything, that I'm certain. You can't be certain of this. You can think she won't but you can never be certain. Every man who has been cheated on never thought his girl would cheat, right? If he did he wouldn't have been with her. I say these things not to scare you or be an ass, but because I care. She probably isn't cheating. I will leave you with one thought to help clarify everything you are feeling; "If somebody loves you, you will know it." |
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Post by ElegaicRequiem on Sept 20, 2012 20:34:55 GMT -5
My advice, even before carefully reading what others have said, is to just send her a short message telling her you love her. No need to be any more fancy than that. Girls, well, everyone, likes the occasional reminder that you're thinking about them.
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Post by Major Downer on Sept 21, 2012 2:24:45 GMT -5
TBH once you have had a good convocation with her, I think you will settle out a bit (Piece of mind)
Major Downer
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Post by Paimon on Sept 21, 2012 12:24:15 GMT -5
The advice here seems good, visiting in October is probably a good idea. The first month is important for making friends and such. But try to visit as often as is convenient for both of you. My friend and roommate during school visited her boyfriend at least 3 or 4 times a year, and was 100km farther away than you are from your girlfriend. (Peterborough to Windsor is 491km, and all in the same province. The UK is so tiny.) I don't know how hard it is for you to go, but I would try to go at least once every 2 months.
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Post by AshotNINJA on Sept 21, 2012 20:33:34 GMT -5
ive been thinking about my responce to your problem for a while and i also would like to share my insight... if thats ok...
firstly... think of the possible advantages it will provide you while shes off at uni- you have more time for hobbying, which is a plus... im going to asume you saw each other almost every day and you not only have gotten used to her being around alot , but also gotten into a routine... so its completely normal to feel put out when shes off galavanting getting drunk at living it up for a while before she cracks into the normal uni life... and my response to that is let her do her thing for a bit... its good that you say you totally trust her not to play away... i too have a similar thing happenning with my girlfreind as she lives in germany and im in england (800 mile gap)... i only get to see my girlfrind for about 4 days every 2 months on average...and this has been going on for 2 years now... my secret is the use of skype with webcams... we chat every other day, usually about nothing... sometimes just watch tv and sit in silence, but for me thats like being in the same room as her and feels good.
you should do this... the main problem though (and im not trying to sound crude) but most men (myself included) miss regular sex... so try to see her as much as is possible... go see her in october, and when you do, your time together will feel more special because of how limited it will become.
im sure she knows how you feel about her already, and as rook said she proberbly isnt cheating... girls like money and no-one who gos to uni has money lol... so your pretty safe there hehe..
overall... let her do what she needs to do, and dont worry yourself about it... get yourselves on skype and contine having a good relationship.
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Post by Cosmic on Sept 22, 2012 16:04:23 GMT -5
Thanks Ashot, it means a lot. Although we haven't actually had regular contact like you presumed, we would only really see each other once a month, maybe two. I agree with the sex thing lol and thanks for the advice. Thank you everyone, you've all given me a lot to think about. Tonight is the last night of Freshers, and shes gone out for the last time. It's not affecting me as much as I thought, since now she has her timetable and I'm just looking forward to October. Thanks again everyone, family hug!! |
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Hookah, S.C.
Colonel
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But what if I put more plasma on it?
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Post by Hookah, S.C. on Sept 24, 2012 12:28:02 GMT -5
Thanks Ashot, it means a lot. Although we haven't actually had regular contact like you presumed, we would only really see each other once a month, maybe two. I agree with the sex thing lol and thanks for the advice. Thank you everyone, you've all given me a lot to think about. Tonight is the last night of Freshers, and shes gone out for the last time. It's not affecting me as much as I thought, since now she has her timetable and I'm just looking forward to October. Thanks again everyone, family hug!! Your naivete is showing. |
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Post by Cosmic on Sept 24, 2012 16:34:36 GMT -5
I'd be careful what you say or your warning level will go up another notch
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Post by 3ff3ct on Sept 24, 2012 17:26:37 GMT -5
Make sure you make an effort with her new friends too. She'll be excited to introduce you to 50 million enthusiastic people who's names you'll never remember, and they'll know everything about you already.
[Everything ;D
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Hookah, S.C.
Colonel
Mostly Harmless
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But what if I put more plasma on it?
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Post by Hookah, S.C. on Sept 24, 2012 22:28:10 GMT -5
I'd be careful what you say or your warning level will go up another notch Because no one goes out after freshers week. Don't be dense. |
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Post by emptyhat on Sept 25, 2012 9:14:05 GMT -5
It sounds like the two of you are talking at cross purpose here.
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Post by Rolling Thunder on Sept 26, 2012 5:56:09 GMT -5
What Hookah is trying to imply is something I will: Your girlfriend, being in a new environment surrounded by dozens of attractive men, has probably slept with as many as she could, the harlot. Don't blame her. Her weak female mind simply could not take the strain of so many ample, high quality mates and her social conditioning broke down, leading her to frantically copulate with as many of them as possible.
What I am endeavoring to say is that, well, I'd give it a 1:1 odds she's made out with another guy, but less than 5:1 that she's actually had sex with him. Please don't give me the spiel on how faithful she is, while I appreciate women are principled individuals just like men (and the intbetween lot) who can override their base instincts, unfortunately, alcohol is designed primarily to counter those tiresome inhibitions and thus promote promiscuity. Just ask Hookah.
To summarize this rant: Generally, my advice on long-distance relationships is: Don't, or devolve to a polyamourous situation where you can both have other partners.
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Post by ColGravis on Sept 26, 2012 6:08:13 GMT -5
It's not fun, I'm down in Exeter, my other half was at uni at St.Andrews in Scotland, best part of a day on the train (expensive) or a couple of hours via the airport (even more expensive!). You've got to be prepared for it to be tough at times when your so far apart and leading seperate lives, with Exam time especially tough in my mind, not only will she be busy, but she'll be stressed in all likelyhood.
Anyway, visit when you can, so October sounds good, but when you do, dont have too high expectations.
That might sound like an odd thing to say, but its very easy to try an cram so much in to the short time you actually have together, to have expectations of it being perfect as you might imagine. All that really does is put extra and unrealistic pressure on the visit's and the relationship as a whole, they can end up being stressful and even disappointing. The best piece of advice I think is to try to relax, of course enjoy each others company, but try to just 'go with the flow'.
I found the visits the hardest part more often then not, she was the same and it almost ended our relationship because we were putting so much pressure on ourselves to make them 'perfect'. We got a grip on it though, she graduated in 2009 and we celebrated our first wedding anniversary this week.
I'd also echo was 3ff3ct said about her new friends, it can make things alot easier for her, as well as for you if you all get on.
As for Rolling Thunders comments, in an ideal world I'd vermontly disagree, but hes not wrong, things can and do go wrong, it is sensible to be prepared for that. However, giving 1:1 odds that shes made out with another guy is rediculously immature, unhelpful and completely uncalled for. It depends entirely on the individuals involved.
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It doesnt last long, and its likely the people shes first met all trying to impress each other. Like greg james says, the people you spend the first month with at uni you will cross the street to avoid in a years time. People dont care who they impress the first week aslong as their not outcast, its nothin to worry about.
