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Post by Cosmic on Mar 5, 2015 8:33:45 GMT -5
I have just been absolutely destroyed by my girlfriend Helen.
After 5 years, 5 happy years, she ended it and put all the blame on me changing. The last time I saw her was for my birthday in January, I traveled up to Derbyshire to spend the week with her and her family. I thought things were ok, she made me a gift of '52 Reasons why she loves me'. But apparently, she hasn't loved me for a long time and now I'm so confused. I see now that it wasn't my fault, it never has been, it was her and Uni, she was the one who changed. 3 years ago I set a thread up to ask for peoples advice on how to cope with her going to Uni, and you all helped me a lot. We stuck it out for 3 years and as I said, things were going fine or so I thought.
It hurts so much, so many thoughts going through my head and I don't know what to do. I know the common expression is having your heart ripped out, but now I understand it. Everything I did for her, everything I gave her and now it's gone. What hurts the most is that she put all the blame on me, and I started to believe her. All along I was the one who tried, tried to keep it together. I suppose this is the best thing though.
I'm sorry to rant, but I need somewhere and I need help.
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Post by RedsandRoyals on Mar 5, 2015 9:00:38 GMT -5
I'm deeply sorry to hear things didn't work out, Cosmic. I remember that thread, and I had hoped things turned out okay.
I can't offer you an eloquent treatise on life and love that will solve everything, and for that I apologize, but I'll do my best to offer what advice I can.
First, don't blame yourself. I know that's hard to do, when everything seems to have collapsed suddenly with no real rhyme or reason for it, but from what you say you already know that. You just have to be sure to convince yourself of it. Blaming yourself can lead to a spiral of self-feeding depression, which will make this hurt for a long, long time, and will make it much harder to recover from. Remember that you were the one who tried to make things work, and that the change and conflict came from her end. Write it down, repeat "I was the one who tried" three times every time you think it was your fault, whatever you need to do. Just do your best not to blame yourself.
Second, and this one is arguably the hardest, try not to be angry at her. It can be cathartic in the short term to vent at her and to hate her, but in the long term, it just makes sure the wound from all this remains sore for a very long time. You don't have to forgive her instantly, and you don't have to take the blame for the relationship failing, but if you can find it in yourself in the long run to make peace about this, it will help. And if she can't make peace over it but you can, then there's a crumb of comfort in being the better person. Just don't hold on to hate in the hopes of trying to make things better.
Third, if you think it will help, right her a letter telling her how you feel. You're crushed it didn't work, you tried your hardest, you don't feel as though you've changed, but if you didn't transform in to type of person she wanted you to be, you're sorry that had to be the wedge that drove you too apart. Tell her you're sorry she didn't think it was working, and that you still care for her, and that you hope she'll be happy. Tell her you wish her luck, and that maybe in the future you two can be friends again. It can be hard not to sound combative in a letter like that, and it can be hard not to sling mud, but there is comfort in a "final action" like that, in telling her the truth (in a format that makes it hard for her to start an argument), and in being the adult.
Lastly, don't shut yourself off from the world and sink in to depression. Go out and hang out with friends, do things that demand your attention and concentration, but you didn't often do with your girlfriend. Exercise, join a casual soccer team, start a Battlefleet Gothic league, or play an MMO with friends at a specific time every week (just be sure to use a mic, so there's proper human contact, and that you don't just play video games all the time). There's no fast way to make the pain go away, but there are things like that you can do that will take the sting off it as much as possible until it does heal.
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Post by ElegaicRequiem on Mar 5, 2015 9:15:57 GMT -5
I would go ask her how you changed. Especially if you're sure that you haven't. What she says will be a good indication of how she changed, and you can decided if you want to try to make this work again or move on. Then I'd thank her for the years that were great and leave.
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Post by BG. Foster on Mar 5, 2015 9:57:35 GMT -5
I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out.
I don't think for a second it would be you who changed. I'd say it's most likely her that has, especially since she was doing something as life changing as Uni. Like Reds said don't hate her for it, she's changed and you've grown apart if she'd not ended it now it probably wouldn't have lasted much longer anyway.
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Post by Adkenpachi on Mar 5, 2015 12:32:18 GMT -5
Good advise from reds, I've got nothing to add except my support. Plenty of fish and all that nuts you don't want to hear right now.
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Post by Cosmic on Mar 5, 2015 17:05:11 GMT -5
Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the advice and the fact that people clearly care. It ended badly, so I sent one final message taking the high ground politely saying that I hope she finds whatever it is she wants and all the best......she has seen it but never replied. So I guess that's an indication of what I was getting away from. I feel confident that I ended it as best as I could.
Onwards and upwards, I'm sure there's someone out there for me.
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Post by Rook on Mar 5, 2015 19:18:48 GMT -5
Look Cosmic, you have been on this board a long time and are surrounded by friends. You have winning qualities and a great sense of humor. You have to look at relationships, all relationships, in a way that YOU are the product. You are essentially selling yourself. And if she isn't buying the great guy that you are it can't be forced, you need another customer. She is doing you a favor man! You have one less women to sell to. For the same reason you can look at a million different women and not want to be with them the same is true with her.
Always remember: Constantly improve yourself. Stay humble but have a backbone. You've got this.
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Post by cheminhaler on Mar 6, 2015 15:18:30 GMT -5
Sorry to hear about this, Cosmic. There's nothing I can add beyond all the brilliant advice above, except maybe steer clear of anything that depresses you, including social media for a week or two at least. You can always post here and feel free to message me if you want a chat.
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Post by emptyhat on Mar 7, 2015 11:34:57 GMT -5
I'm deeply sorry to hear things didn't work out, Cosmic. I remember that thread, and I had hoped things turned out okay. I can't offer you an eloquent treatise on life and love that will solve everything, and for that I apologize, but I'll do my best to offer what advice I can. First, don't blame yourself. I know that's hard to do, when everything seems to have collapsed suddenly with no real rhyme or reason for it, but from what you say you already know that. You just have to be sure to convince yourself of it. Blaming yourself can lead to a spiral of self-feeding depression, which will make this hurt for a long, long time, and will make it much harder to recover from. Remember that you were the one who tried to make things work, and that the change and conflict came from her end. Write it down, repeat "I was the one who tried" three times every time you think it was your fault, whatever you need to do. Just do your best not to blame yourself. Second, and this one is arguably the hardest, try not to be angry at her. It can be cathartic in the short term to vent at her and to hate her, but in the long term, it just makes sure the wound from all this remains sore for a very long time. You don't have to forgive her instantly, and you don't have to take the blame for the relationship failing, but if you can find it in yourself in the long run to make peace about this, it will help. And if she can't make peace over it but you can, then there's a crumb of comfort in being the better person. Just don't hold on to hate in the hopes of trying to make things better. Third, if you think it will help, right her a letter telling her how you feel. You're crushed it didn't work, you tried your hardest, you don't feel as though you've changed, but if you didn't transform in to type of person she wanted you to be, you're sorry that had to be the wedge that drove you too apart. Tell her you're sorry she didn't think it was working, and that you still care for her, and that you hope she'll be happy. Tell her you wish her luck, and that maybe in the future you two can be friends again. It can be hard not to sound combative in a letter like that, and it can be hard not to sling mud, but there is comfort in a "final action" like that, in telling her the truth (in a format that makes it hard for her to start an argument), and in being the adult. Lastly, don't shut yourself off from the world and sink in to depression. Go out and hang out with friends, do things that demand your attention and concentration, but you didn't often do with your girlfriend. Exercise, join a casual soccer team, start a Battlefleet Gothic league, or play an MMO with friends at a specific time every week (just be sure to use a mic, so there's proper human contact, and that you don't just play video games all the time). There's no fast way to make the pain go away, but there are things like that you can do that will take the sting off it as much as possible until it does heal. Cosmic is an artist though, he should do the exact opposite of your advice and channel the pain and suffering into genius.
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Post by BG. Foster on Mar 7, 2015 16:26:10 GMT -5
Yes Cosmic, paint paint paint!
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Post by Peter Cooman on Mar 10, 2015 3:47:11 GMT -5
I'm sorry it ended up for you that way cosmic! Follow reds advice, it is sound!
and remember, when the going gets though, the though get going!
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Post by Woz on Mar 10, 2015 19:26:09 GMT -5
Don't be glum, losing your first real love can be hard but think of it as the start of a new better life. When I was 25 my gf of 6 years broke up with me. I can't say it was a complete surprise as my gf got a new job the year before and she'd changed a lot. Her new work mates had boyfriends/husbands who drove BMW's and had jobs in management and I drove a beat up Capri I'd also just lost my job. She even said she changed and I was the same as when we first met. She was kind of embarrassed that I played with toys (40k and model building). I was still gutted but after a few months I began to realize that I was missing the old gf that I'd fallen in love with all those years before and not the woman I'd been living with for the last year (we lived together for over 2 years). Six months later I started seeing someone else and after almost 19years together we're still having as much fun as when we first met. A couple of years ago I bumped into my ex (first time in about 15 years)and after chatting for a while she laughed and said I hadn't changed (44 going on 20 still). At the end of the day you are who you are and you'll never be happy if you try and be what someone else wants.
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Post by dougeye on Mar 16, 2015 13:07:41 GMT -5
sorry to hear it cosmic but as everyone else sais don't blame yourself. usually in my experience when you get the "you have changed line" its usually an excuse for the fact they have changed, maybe even moved on im sorry to say. regardless of the reason the most important thing is move on if the relationship is dead in the water and don't waste time blaming / hating just take time to reflect and then move on and that does not necessarily mean to a new relationship. About 5 years ago I left the love of my life because as much as I loved her she was a small town minded girl who had a life built around are small town with no ambitions etc, she just wanted to sit around and plod along with the status quo for the rest of her life. I however wanted to find something better from life, I found myself a stable job, went back to UNI and had an aim to buying my own home. 5 years later ive only had one "relationship" with a French girl who was staying in England for several months other than that its just been flings with a few girls. Ive now completed UNI and im working on the career side of things although im happy right now with my current job which ive gradually gained promotions etc in. Later this year ill hopefully be in a position to put a deposit down on a house (if I don't spend it all at forge world! lol) Anyways most of what ive said probably has nothing in common with your situation but the point is that sometimes people and things need to move on and you can't make anyone change is what I realised. As someone above eluded to social groups also effect relationships which is why I want a house and a Mercedes before I try and settle down with someone who has similar life prospects. unless I hit 40 first then ill just take what I can get
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Post by Adkenpachi on Mar 16, 2015 17:53:00 GMT -5
Pff, I'm a small town minded guy who wants to bumble along. .. I still bought a house, in the small town
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Post by dougeye on Mar 17, 2015 1:07:57 GMT -5
Yeah the main difference being you have bought a house, she and I as well would never have done that if I stayed with her, she didn't want to work, claimed of the social and then spent it all proping up the local bar before coming home drunk and giving me agro, so I think I made the right decision + I'm still in that small town for now as my job is paying well.
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Post by Woz on Mar 19, 2015 19:13:17 GMT -5
Yeah the main difference being you have bought a house, she and I as well would never have done that if I stayed with her, she didn't want to work, claimed of the social and then spent it all proping up the local bar before coming home drunk and giving me agro, so I think I made the right decision + I'm still in that small town for now as my job is paying well. the girl you described in the first part "she was a small town minded girl who had a life built around are small town with no ambitions etc" isn't the same as the dole dossing urine head you described above. Also if you have a house and a Merc you'll have your pick of girls even after 40.
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Post by Adkenpachi on Mar 20, 2015 2:58:38 GMT -5
Man, most be different up north, owning a merc in the South just makes you a tosser Id never get a merc, audi or bmw. Im going for a mustang. (The successful ones own astons or tvr's)
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Post by ElegaicRequiem on Mar 20, 2015 9:02:01 GMT -5
Or a replica of the General Lee.
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Post by dougeye on Mar 20, 2015 12:20:53 GMT -5
I drive an MG ;S
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Post by Rook on Mar 20, 2015 18:09:51 GMT -5
I ride a motorcycle.
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Post by treadiculous on Mar 20, 2015 20:10:33 GMT -5
I love how this has gone from a tale of woe about the love of a life and has become a discussion about the other love of 21st century life. (possibly more or less reliable).
I can't help but notice that a lot of the comments seem to imply that change is bad in a relationship, I would argue the opposite, continuous change is necessary and healthy: each individual should be learning, developing, growing and evolving at all times. This will keep things interesting and with luck (making use of opportunities) you'll be supporting each others journey toward new experiences and discoveries.
Change is inevitable and a strong relationship can cope, a relationship that may be surviving based on its own existence ("we are this relationship because this is the relationship we are in") will struggle to cope with change and the best result will be that the individuals will separate enabling themselves to grow as they need.
All too often relationships become entwined in a desire by the individuals involved to have their needs met by the other person; this is unfair and not the responsibility of the other person, we each have to take care of ourselves and allow (or empower) those around us to take responsibility for themselves.
I used to have some cool vehicles; MK1 transit, several Dodge 50's (about 7 of them at one point), A Merc 307, another transit (which felt like driving a go-kart), and now I have an Iveco,
I commute in a peugeot 306 which is just a car (I can't cook or sleep in it but it saves a lot in fuel cost!).
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Post by Adkenpachi on Mar 21, 2015 3:25:55 GMT -5
Nice choices, I can just picture you leaning out the window honking your horn and shouting "oi oi love!" My father insists driving vans is the best way to get from A - B, he thinks hes in india or something and he always has the right of way because hes bigger than the puny cars
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Post by treadiculous on Mar 21, 2015 4:57:19 GMT -5
ah, well I'm not a white van man so I'm unlikely to be giving it the whistle.
(the other transit was a white van, which did allow me to behave like a complete wotsit if I wanted, though I mostly enjoyed its short wheelbase, excessive power to weight ratio and rear wheel drive - much go-kart style drifting was possible!)
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Post by scotti88 on Mar 21, 2015 5:38:15 GMT -5
I used to drive a mk2 g60 golf.....
The way I've always looked at love is, its nit how you stay the same its about accepting what your both going to be. Changes are inevitable regardless of what you do/done/doing. So if she doesn't like it its sometimes best to bumm her off. Remember you can now upgraded you ex for a better model for free of charge.
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Post by Rolling Thunder on Apr 4, 2015 16:31:46 GMT -5
Dude, my last relationship ended in me in a police cell explaining BDSM 101 to two slightly out-of-their-depth police officers.
My advice? Forget her. She is, at best, utterly dishonest and you are worth more than that. Sadly, a good number of people are, and society is inclined to be more forgiving of it in women. Get working out. Get painting. Pursue other women. Always remember; looks for the sex, intelligence for the company, and character-! always, always, character, for the long term. Never fall for a dishonest person.
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