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Post by Cadian 117 on Jul 13, 2007 0:54:56 GMT -5
Jokes like: Whats a guardsmens gear? A raincoat and a flashlight!
IG tactica: If you havent lost 50% of your conscripts by the end of the game.............YOU ARENT TRYING HARD ENOUGH! etc. Anyone?
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Post by thefishki345 on Jul 13, 2007 1:13:41 GMT -5
this thread appeared in the comm room...
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Post by twerd on Jul 13, 2007 5:11:09 GMT -5
how many guardmen doe it take to change a light bulb?
1 officer to tell them what to do 1 sergent to tell a guardsmen what to 1 guardsman to trip theproxy mine 1 conscript to forget the light bulb
A guardsman was running away from a ork, eventually the ork corners him Guardsmen "Spare me and i'll teach you a trick" Ork" alright whats the trick" the guardsman aims his lasgun to the tip of sigaur and shoots the laser lights up the siguar. Ork " thats no trick see" the ork aims his sluuga to his siguar and shoots blowing off his head
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Post by thefishki345 on Jul 13, 2007 5:36:28 GMT -5
haha, funny jokes twerd, you spelt cigar wrong. XD
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Post by twerd on Jul 13, 2007 21:00:06 GMT -5
maybe thats why i'm failing english?
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Post by Cadian 117 on Jul 13, 2007 22:13:09 GMT -5
haha! Those are good!
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Post by dethklok on Jul 15, 2007 21:32:32 GMT -5
"This is the Imperial guard we measure the success of your attack by the size of the river of blood coming from your lines" "If guardsmen are armed w/ flashlight what are storm troopers armed with? Mag lights." "Abadon used to be blind in 1 eye until a guardsmen shot him and now his sight is perfect." Cheers dethklok
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Post by Cadian 117 on Jul 16, 2007 22:05:21 GMT -5
haha nice ones.
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Post by Commissar on Jul 17, 2007 12:13:08 GMT -5
How many guardsmen does it take to paint a leman russ?
Depends how hard you throw them.
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Post by Cadian 117 on Jul 18, 2007 0:52:18 GMT -5
I loled Shooting one of your own men who looks at you funny, does not count as an “enemy casualty”.
Thou shalt not let an Ork be the designated driver
Thou shalt not replace the holy ungents for the machine spirit with grain alcohol
Thou shalt not ask the Dark Angels if they "can keep a secret"
Thou shalt not follow a Librarian around thinking "Can you hear me now", repetively in an attempt to drive him insane.
hehe i found these on the net!
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Post by Cadian 117 on Jul 18, 2007 0:54:10 GMT -5
Thou shalt not taunt our revered dreadnaught brethren by tapping on their window and saying "anyone in there?"
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Post by Commissar on Jul 18, 2007 13:30:42 GMT -5
What do you call a lasgun with a laser-sight? Twin-linked.
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Post by Turtleboy(AWOL) on Jul 18, 2007 15:32:44 GMT -5
How many guardsmen does it take to paint a leman russ? Depends how hard you throw them. I loled too - that's a good one
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Post by Cadian 117 on Jul 19, 2007 0:14:53 GMT -5
hehe where do you get those?
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Post by Cadian 117 on Jul 19, 2007 0:17:18 GMT -5
An imperial commissar stood before his legions of troops, He said"Men I want you to know, I am lucky to serve you,But you are all merely conscripts and the enemy are coming so what i am trying to say is............MEN YOUR ALL GONNA DIE!,so stand adn fight and DIE LIKE GUARDSMAN GODDAMNIT!
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Post by twerd on Jul 19, 2007 3:59:53 GMT -5
what's a leman russ machine spirits favorite drink?
Wd40
What's a necron favorite drink?
wd40, To bad the imprium have all of it
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Post by Cadian 117 on Jul 19, 2007 22:51:46 GMT -5
haha nice.
Thou shalt not refer to the Las-pistol as a novelty cigarette lighter.
Thou shalt not put a "Purge me!" sign on the back of the chaplain’s armour.
Thou shalt not replace the holy ungents for the machine spirit with grain alcohol
Thou shalt not replace the O2 units on the commander’s power armour with laughing gas
Thou shalt not throw a warp beast a dog biscuit
Thou shalt not hope for mud wrestling during a witch/ sisters battle.
Thou shalt not refer to the golden throne as "the nicest commode in the galaxy"
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Post by Cadian 117 on Jul 19, 2007 22:52:16 GMT -5
1.Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter Biatches" nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle. 2. Orks are not "cute." 3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons. 4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand. 5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle. 6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar. 7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador. 8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs. 9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin." 10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (in a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans) 11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife. 12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin." 13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag." 14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food. 15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed." 16. Thou shall not throw soap at nurglings. 17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne. 18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control". 19. Thou shalt not stick a 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' sticker on the Sisters' Rhino. 20. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' on a Sister's Rhino. 21. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs". 22. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo". 23. Thou shall not play "tiggy" in the minefield. 24. Shooting one of your own men who looks at you funny, does not count as an “enemy casualty”. 25. Thou shalt not clog the Lasscannon tubes “just to see what happens”. 26. Thou shalt not spread cooking oil in front of a dreadnaught. 27. Thou shalt not attempt to shake the chaplain’s hand whilst wearing a powerfist. 28. Putting sand inside the terminators’ armour is not “funny”. 29. Thou shalt not refer to the standard of fortitude as a “walking stick” 30. Thou shalt not refer to the Las-pistol as a novelty cigarette lighter. 31. The earthshaker cannon is not a “hat stand” nor is the sentinel a “standard lamp”. 32. Thou shalt not use Land Raiders to "play chicken" with Imperial Guard Chimeras. 33. Thou shalt not put a "Purge me!" sign on the back of the chaplain’s armour. 34. Thou shalt not compliment the dark eldar by calling them "kinky" 35. Thou shalt not let an Ork be the designated driver 36. Thou shalt not replace the holy ungents for the machine spirit with grain alcohol 37. Thou shalt not invite a Banshee to Karaoke 38. Thou shalt not replace the O2 units on the commander’s power armour with laughing gas 39. Thou shalt not train a hormogaunt to be a watchdog 40. Thou shalt not take "old one eye" out of context...”He's in my artificer armour he.he.duh!” 41. Thou shalt not call Dark Angels "hippie alter boys" 42. Thou shalt not taunt an eldar "gee didn't these use to shoot further?" 43. Thou shalt not refer to the golden throne as "the nicest commode in the galaxy" 44. Thou shalt not attempt to offer a Carnifex a breath mint. 45. Thou shalt not throw a warp beast a dog biscuit. 46. Thou shalt not hope for mud wrestling during a witch/ sisters battle. 47. Thou shalt not ask a warlock what he wears under his robe. 48. Thou shalt not tease an inquisitor with "look sir-heretics!" 49. Thou shalt not play wack-a-mole with those little jawa-wannabe dark angel thingies. 50. Thou shalt not wear oven mitts when issued a plasma gun.
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Post by Cadian 117 on Jul 19, 2007 22:55:03 GMT -5
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Post by Cadian 117 on Jul 19, 2007 22:59:57 GMT -5
51. Thou shalt not take the rhino to procure monkish ale before filling out His Most Holy acquisitions forms. 52. Thou shalt not ask the librarian if he has records concerning Uranus. 53. Thou shalt not refer to the flamer as a “novelty toaster” 54. Thou shalt not ask the apothecary to guess what you have eaten by looking at your tongue. 55. Thou shalt not remove the motors from a terminators' suit during battle. 56. Thou shalt not point and laugh saying 'look somebody missed the toilet when battling snotlings. 57. Thou shalt not break wind in the presence of the emperor (unless properly addressed to do so) 58. Eldar helmets may not be use as hole-punches. 59. Thou shalt not refer to the daily rituals as “psychological warfare” nor shalt thou refer to the index astartes as “the book of grudges” 60. Thou shalt not say, "will someone please tell the emperor to crap or get off the throne” 61. Thou shalt not petition His Most Holy administration to make "Inquisition" an Olympic sport. 62. Thou shalt not instigate a "my Primarch could beat up your primarch" debate. 63. Thou shalt not use heavy breathing and "I am your father" as a battlecry when wielding a powersword and entering an assault 64. Thou shalt not affect a Transylvanian accent around the Blood Angels. 65. No hair pulling when enjoying brotherly contests with the space wolves. 66. Duct-taping a flamer to your boltgun does not count as a combi-weapon, and painting it pretty won't make it "master crafted" 67. Thou shalt not punt grots for pleasure. 68. Thou shalt not shout “thongs for the thong god in front of the Dark Eldar lest thou wishes to learn the true meaning of pain. 69. Thou shalt not debate the protective merits of purple spandex with the Dark Eldar. 70. Thou shalt not write theatre criticism and charge His Most Holy treasury to mail it to the harlequin. 71. Power armour never makes a sister look fat. 72. Thou shalt not laugh manically when flaming the non-believers. 73. Thou shalt not use thunderhammers to play crocket. 74. Thou shalt not start rounds of "you might be a c'tan if" while imbibing strong monkish ale. 75. Though shalt not refer to thine brethern, whom the Emperor has dictated be armed with an incendiary weapon, as a "Flamer" constantly. For this has been proven to lower morale and cause strife within his His Most Holy showering facilities. 76. Thou shalt not affect an Austrian accent around the Necrons. 77. Thou shalt not ask roughriders if you can pet their ponies. 78. Thou shalt not stray from the adeptus mechanicus's directive towards ornamentation of rhinos-specifically no aluminium sport rims, neon, extraneous exhaust pipes, or fuzzy dice. 79. Thou shall not attempt to challenge the Eldar to games of 'Counterstrike'. 80. Thou shall not, in any way, shape, or form, take the land speeder joy riding. 81. Remember, shining lasguns in the guards’ eyes is WRONG. 82. Thou shall not pretend to have been possessed by a daemon. 83. Thou shall not call the sacred plasma gunners of the imperial guard 'fizzbusters'. 84. Yes, it will be noticed if you 'borrow' the chapter master's equipment. 85. Thou shall not use supported warhounds to 'play ball' with imperial guard sentinels. 86. It is NOT cool to feed snotlings copious amounts of narcotics! 87. It is not “funny” to dress up as a bloodletter and jump out in front of the chapter master. 88. Replacing a brother's ammunition with blanks is not “funny” 89. Wiffle bats are not approved hand weapons. 90. Playing naughty movies in your power armour’s autosenses is not sanctioned by the Adeptus Astartes. 91. Thou shalt not teleport into the Sisters showering facilities. 92. Thou shalt not taunt our revered dreadnaught brethren by tapping on their window and saying "anyone in there?" 93. Thou shalt not commandeer drop pods to go for pizza. 94. Thou shalt not refer to the emperor’s champion as "that brown-noser" 95. Nuking from orbit is not doctrinally feasible for removal of annoying insects-unless they be tyranids. 96. Thou shalt not tickle the fallen to press for confession and redemption. 97. Thou shalt not follow a Librarian around thinking "Can you hear me now", repetively in an attempt to drive him insane. 98. Thou shalt not refer to the Wulfen as "damn dirty apes". 99. Thou shalt not use Whirlwinds to put on fireworks displays. 100. Thou shalt not ask the Dark Angels if they "can keep a secret"
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Post by thefishki345 on Jul 20, 2007 5:28:53 GMT -5
hahaha, man those are funny lol.
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Post by twerd on Jul 21, 2007 22:17:38 GMT -5
lol
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Post by Cadian 117 on Jul 23, 2007 14:11:27 GMT -5
What do guard get when they go swimming? Las Burns!
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Post by thefishki345 on Jul 25, 2007 3:50:01 GMT -5
lol...thats weird...
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Post by twerd on Jul 25, 2007 3:51:42 GMT -5
um it doesn't make sense?
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